dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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