I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He kissed a someone with a penis
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
