and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
