I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
