I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
