My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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