how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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