If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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