how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
