Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
