I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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