Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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