That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
