The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
