I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize