my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I look better un-naked...
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
