walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
