We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Randomize
