I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
