He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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