he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
