so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize