why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize