My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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