I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
