dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
