I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
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