Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Randomize
