I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
