Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
