cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
