Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
