The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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