True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I checked into jail on foursquare
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize