Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
i think i scared a bird with my dick
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Randomize
