i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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