Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize