Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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