No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
We need a shit load of segways right now
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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