I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
