dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
