the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
