i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
