The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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