the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
