its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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