Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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