Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
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