It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
What a dumb baby whore.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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