Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
