he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
