how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
