I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
