just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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