I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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