I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
