If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'm just crazy horny about you
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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