I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
