Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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