I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
