when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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