I will die if light touches me.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
