If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
