Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
