She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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