I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
then he tried to convert me to islam
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Randomize
