I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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