Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
